Sunday, May 14, 2006

the deserving

my intention was to write a nice little note to everyone about mother's day today. about how my hubby and son treated me to a nice breakfast in bed and a gift certificate to the spa. then, i started feeling a little selfish and guilty.

while i sit here with my happy child, there are so many other women out there who are still desperately waiting for theirs to come. i only know how this feels because at one time, that woman was me. i know personally how it feels to be the one who isn't able to celebrate mother's day....not by choice. the heartache of each year passing with no baby of our own, while everyone else around us seemed to be having them....easily....and even (gasp) unexpectedly. the feeling is unexplainable. it's one of those feelings that you just can't understand unless it's happened to you. the jealousy and the resentment were impossible to ignore. intellectually, you know that the pregnant women who seem to follow you everywhere are not at fault. they deserve to be pregnant, but at the same time, it's unstoppable. it seems out of your control.

i thought about this a lot when i became one of those pregnant women waltzing around the baby dept. at target. was some other woman secretly loathing my existence because i was pregnant and she was not?

and then i sit here complaining that we can't afford to have another one. how selfish is that when some others still don't have one to call their own. i have one....he's beautiful, healthy, perfect.

i now get to celebrate mother's day and get gifts of spa treatments and breakfast in bed....all because i was finally able to have a baby. how does this make me any better than those who cannot? it does not.

so here is to all of the women out there who want a baby of their own, but for some reason or another are unable....often suffering in silence, because it's "not something you talk about". they're the ones who are probably more deserving of a special day to call their own. one to honor all the treatments, painful procedures, failures, injections and crazy meds that make you loopy.

today i honor them. they are the deserving.


Kel said...

that was beautiful. happy mothers day to you, a very deserving woman. i too thought of the women in my life (and not in my life) who are childless-not-by-choice or have had a hard road getting there...

i love you and am grateful for the blessing you so cherish in fin.

Anonymous said...

I love your attitude. It's so easy to think the "grass is always greener" and let those feelings of jealousy take over. You show grace, thoughtfulness, selflessness and wisdom that is encouraging to me about other things, not just babies.


theprincess said...

so beautiful! thank you for the reminder to be grateful for what you have, as well as compassionate toward others. it is so easy to only assess situations from your own point of view, whether it's pregnancy, business, money, whatever, but ultimately, everyone is just doing the best that they can with what they've got, and you don't understand unless you've been in that same set of circumstances with the same "tools" at your disposal. happy mother's day to all mothers and those who wish to be!

i *heart* paper said...

That was lovely :-)

Anonymous said...

I have dreamed of having a baby of my own since I was three and met my little friend's new brother. I am 32 at 17 found out my uterus never developed. My biological clock hasn't figured this out. But I do hope to adoptand my cousin has even offered surrogacy.
Thank you- what an incredible heart you have. What a lucky son. Happy Mother's Day to you.

Dear Monday said...

i'm so late in reading this but just want to say it's so sweet.

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